thinking about my ex

i had a conversation with a friend the other day about how absolutely frustrating it is when previous relationships come back to haunt you and mess with your new relationship.

it's happening to me right now. i've been lying in bed, thinking about my ex. and i can't sleep.

there were good times, there were bad. of course, when you're comparing, you tend to remember the good about the past relationship and dwell on the bad with the current relationship. we had an amazing time together, my ex and i. it was three years of frolicking and play. it was rough in the beginning, as some relationships tend to be, but we straightened things out and by the end, parting was such sweet and bitter sorrow. we drank, we laughed, we grew together. those were the days--when i knew what i was about and what my ex was about and we had this incredible understanding and rhythm. we had rhythm.

if you haven't figured out by now (and you should have, if you know me)...

.... i've started dating thailand.

yes, thailand and i are in a relationship. you're surprised. what? when did this happen?! nearly four months now. it was awesome in the beginning in those first few weeks when i had stars in my eyes. but recently it's been going rough. there have been tears and angry accusations and, worst of all, heartbreaking disappointment. it's times like these when i think about my ex, japan, and the good times we had and how sad i was when we parted. i have expectations of thailand. to outshine japan, to be better; but also somehow to be the same, to be what i expect. not to be new and unpredictable. not to be less than what i had built japan up to be in my mind.

japan and i are through. i need to get over japan because we're not together anymore. we're not. we speak occasionally. menial things, really. just to see how things are going. but we're just friends. i need to stop laying in bed thinking about times past because they're just that. times past.

i can't expect thailand to BE japan. that's silly. i know that's silly.

thailand and i need to find our rhythm. get to know each other. go on long dates, perhaps take a long moonlit stroll on the beach hand in hand. and when we go on these dates, i promise i won't be thinking of japan.